When exploring what really WORKS in relationships, here’s what many people say: “If he/she would just do everything the way I want, we’d be just fine.” And sadly, many people who say that actually mean it and believe it!
Well, let’s for just a minute agree that it’s true. Problem: NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. That reality means each individual has to learn how to handle conflict and differences in a healthy and constructive manner. And I guarantee that’s a tall order, mostly because most of us go through life learning very little about managing conflict. And many of us go through life not fully understanding what we are feeling when we step INTO conflict.
To get an idea of your “style” in dealing with conflicts — from big ones to simple differences of opinion — take a minute and remember how your parents or primary care givers handled conflict. Did they yell? Just give one another the “deep freeze” treatment and refuse to talk? Was there any verbal or physical abuse? Did you see two people negotiate, sit down and talk through the differences? You’ll probably be able to identify a couple of different styles in your family. If so, your own approach is likely a combination of the two different ways your family members behaved…. for most of us that’s not especially good news! And until you become intentional — decide you want to learn constructive conflict resolution — you are stuck with the emotional baggage you bring from your family of origin into your current relationships… And don’t leave out conflict at work. We behave in very similar ways in all our relationships when faced with conflict.
My mother used the “silent treatment” and my father made a joke out of arguments! So I saw pretty much NOTHING that would help me with conflict. And it took me a long time to UN learn what I saw growing up and RE learn constructive conflict management.
So describe what you saw growing up. Then see if you can describe your own behavior when you experience conflict. What do you do well? Where do you get caught and feel unsuccessful? How hard is it to say you are wrong? not right? How often do you find you don’t know HOW to calm yourself or the situation? Is there any chance you have trouble with managing your anger?
Here’s on simple three step process for stepping back and trying to problem solve with the other person. You have to put these ideas into place and agree to try them… write them on a 3×5 card if it helps. 1-here is the situation as I see it…..make this as objective as you possibly can…
2-here is what I feel about it….. 3-here is what I want and/or need….
Here’s the most simple example of how that might play out. Let’s say you are arguing about where to go on a weekend trip. Things have gotten heated, and one of you remembers the “agreement” to back off, take a breath as well as a break, and try the three steps….
One person says: It’s fairly clear that you want a trip that has lots of relaxation and down time and I want activities like biking and playing tennis…. I feel a little angry and afraid I won’t get my way…. I need for us to____________here you fill in the blank with a “decent compromise idea.”
Now the other person does the same thing….and you see if it moves the situation even a little. If not, you probably need more specific instructions. Try the book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High — Patterson, et.al……..or Getting the Love You Want — Harville Hendrix….. The key is to see you need to learn, to build skills, and that you can heal conflict in your relationships….. you don’t ever have to like conflict….you just have to get good at it! And if you need more information, just let me know. There are great workshops for learning more…….and don’t eliminate the idea of therapy. It helps.