I’m wondering if you’re aware of all the blame circling us — at work, at home, and certainly in the government and the media coverage of the government for the last few weeks. What makes that important to talk about? From my perspective, several things. First I’m kind of sick of listening to it…. but beyond that, blaming does nothing productive and is destructive to the individual DOING THE BLAMING. Really? For sure!
The “illusion” is that if I can declare it’s not me and then quickly blame you or someone else, I will get myself off the hook and feel better. It just doesn’t work that way. Oh, momentarily you feel better when you blame the other person… actually you might feel better longer than momentarily because each of us is different in the amount of time it takes us to discover we’ve headed down the wrong road. However, eventually, guilt begins to creep into the mind of the “blamer.” When you know the other person might have really tried or been committed to the project or idea, the blame can eventually “eat away at you.” The point is that blame hurts YOU as much as it hurts the person you are blaming. Blame is first, not fair, and second it draws all the energy away from what is needed and necessary: SOLVING THE PROBLEM.
Blaming makes everyone involved defensive. Language becomes inflammatory and misleading. And I will share this with all the certainty of my 30 plus years working as a therapist: blaming others is emotionally, intellectually and spiritually disruptive to the individual DOING the blaming. Naturally it hurts the individual or group on the receiving end, but it’s doing just as much damage to the individual “spouting the blaming nonsense.” So no wonder everyone is stressed!
Blaming does not simply get in the way of problem solving. It keeps the true definition of the problem from coming to the surface — from being clearly stated… That’s simply because once you blame someone, that individual becomes defensive and may in fact blame you right back. Now you are off and running! Angry hurt feelings lead people to defend the position they need to examine. So now no one is truly listening.
If you watch media coverage of things like the government shut down, the questions about default on the debt, and the controversy about health care, I think it’s difficult to even figure out what the legitimate positions and differences actually ARE…..the defensive postures, the blaming energy deflect from the actual problem…
And if that example is way too much, just think about the last unproductive argument you had with a significant other in your personal life or someone you work with. Do you know what the actual problem is? or are you much more familiar with your defensive position and the defensive position of the other person?
We have far too many problems in our lives and our world to get caught up in the act of blame. Try slowing down, getting present and mindful, taking a breath, and listening to the other person. ALSO listen to yourself. Make sure you are stating the actual problem and a legitimate idea for how to solve it….and not defending some position you’ve become wedded to. Instead, acknowledge differences and negotiate.
Start by noticing if you are too quick to blame. See if you are willing to take your own share of responsibility. When each of us owns responsibility, blame is no longer necessary. Responsibility leads to genuine negotiation and problem solving. These are not easy things to do. They are, however, really healthy things to do. And you will not simply feel far better; your relationships will improve. Give it a try.