I will simply imagine that most people feel stressed; at a loss about what to do; no idea where to start; not good enough; and mostly OUT OF CONTROL!
From my perspective those responses, are actually quite logical. The reason? Because I think it’s useless and impossible to attempt to be in control! Besides, the effort creates more stress. We are a culture addicted to control — and control is truly not not really possible! Still, the word/the concept is entrenched in our culture — our beliefs, our language, our efforts. The minute someone suggests you might be out of control, you likely make monumental effort to get IN CONTROL — causing even more stress than when you started whatever you were doing.
Am I suggesting wandering aimlessly about, letting feelings and decisions and behaviors fall into disarray? Absolutely not. I am, though suggesting a different approach.
SUBSTITUTE the goal of BEING IN CHARGE rather than struggling with BEING IN CONTROL. Isn’t that mere semantics? Looks that way initially. So let’s study the concepts.
First, visualize what you do and how you feel when you or someone else says you’re “out of control”….
-Most people do more of what they were already doing…that means you accelerate whatever was not working.
-If stressed enough, most stop breathing! We actually do hold our breath when we feel “out of control” to try to hold stressful feelings DOWN.
-We tighten up. Shoulders and ear lobes can almost touch; jaws clench; and we dig in our heels!
-And a guaranteed sign you are feeling out of control and trying to REGAIN control is the thought: “I know I’m right!”
These feelings, thoughts and behaviors make us renew efforts that were already not working, and typically, make us feel even more out of control.
What to do? These next suggestions always feel really challenging. However, they work.
First — RELAX. Breathe, and see if you can take some time to back away or walk away from the situation for at least a few minutes. Maybe duck into a bathroom and throw some cold water in your face.
Next: imagine you could say “I might not be right”…. “Maybe there’s a better way” — “Perhaps we can discuss this.
Remember these three points and maybe repeat them to yourself regularly: 1 — I CANNOT control other people — what they say, think, do. 2- -I CANNOT control outcomes 3–and finally, I can’t actually CONTROL myself.
Options are: mindfulness of what I feel and think and the direction I can take. Here’s the way to activate the difference between IN CHARGE and IN CONTROL. To be in charge, take a deep breath and see if you can “let go.” When we breathe and relax and let go, our shoulders and neck and jaw really relax. When we LET GO of control, we are aware, focused, paying attention to what’s going on. We feel our bodies vs tightening and numbing them; we feel our feelings vs stuffing them. And in that “state”, we can say what we think and feel in a thoughtful manner. We can give opinions in a straight forward, easy to understand manner. We can even argue if necessary; give hard feedback — however, it’s necessary to do so without the need to WIN vs influence or have an impact…..
If you can see and feel and practice the difference, you will find you feel far more powerful. And others will regard you as a person of thoughtful power and influence.
If this seems a little over the top or difficult, you might read more about it in my book: RELEASE FROM POWERLESSNESS; TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE…
Giving up control really can change your life…!!