What IS a little white lie? “Fudging” the truth in order to __________” Try filling in the blank and then reflecting on your answer. Unless of course you do not tell lies of any kind…… unlikely? Probably! And if we conducted a survey among friends and family members and colleagues, I’m guessing we would find that most people — or perhaps the majority of us — tell little white lies on a fairly regular basis. And if I’m accurate about that it makes it a worthwhile conversation.
There’s another label for this kind of lie: a codependent lie. And I’m certain I’ve written about that before. However, since it’s the source of so much regular angst in my office — clients talk about the “lies” quite regularly, as do friends — so it’s worth re-visiting.
When I use the label codependent lie, I mean when you or I tell the lie, we are giving our power away! We are saying that what YOU want and need is more important than what I want and need. That is destructive to every relationship we are in if we do it over and over. So let’s get far more specific.
“I can’t meet you for dinner Tuesday because ________” The blank is the FIB you — or maybe I — use. The answer that is truthful is perhaps because: I have something I’d rather do; we’ve been spending too much time together; you talk about yourself too much; you are putting pressure on me to spend time with you; I’m tired and just want to go to bed early; I forgot and made plans with someone else….. or I have something else to do that is really important to me. I’m likely just brushing the surface so it’s important to do some reflection on first, WHO you lie to and second, the nature of the fib!
Most of us say we lie to avoid hurting the feelings of the other person. And sometimes that is the motivation. At other times we do it to protect OURSELVES from some imagined fate worse than death: you’ll be mad at me if I tell you the truth; I’ll be in trouble with you; I’ll hurt your feelings and damage our relationship and I’m fearful of doing that! Either reason simply means you do not factor into the interaction the way YOU HONESTLY FEEL AND WHAT YOU WANT AND NEED. Consequently when over and over we back away from the truth to protect self and others, we are giving power away. Gradually, repeated often enough, the relationship becomes a source of resentment. You might even want to avoid the relationship all together! Or simply dread the next time you need to interact. And in the end, you just feel guilty and fearful. It’s because you did not TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! And the effort to keep from damaging the relationship by telling the lie, does EXACTLY THAT!
However, standing up for yourself, saying what you genuinely want to do, is hard because typically the relationship is important to you. It’s with a partner, a parent or sibling, a long time friend, a colleague or boss. In other words the people we spend the most time with or value the most are the people we lie to.
Think of it as failing to let the other person know who you really are! And pushing your own wants and needs far on to the back burner…The damage goes both ways….to you and to the other person. I’ve seen good relationships broken over a history of this kind of failure to take a stand for who you are and what you truly want….and it does not have to happen.
However, you have to develop amazing psychological muscle. You have to risk. You have to put yourself out there…on the front burner! And it can often feel far more than just risky. It can feel dangerous. But that’s the thought distortion in your head. If you are that fearful, you are probably making things up in your head. Will the other person perhaps get angry/upset? Possibly. But is that a disaster? Absolutely not! If it’s a solid relationship the other person will gradually grow to to be more connected to you as you let them know who you really are — what you want and need.
To get started, write down what you WISH you had said. Write down what you can now say when you return to the conversation. That means I am suggesting you DO return to the conversation and work on saying what you really want and need. If it helps, practice on someone else. And test who you really are protecting. Most of the time it’s a combo but it’s weighted on protecting the self. And that perhaps means there’s something really important in the relationship that needs exploration. That might mean things like this: I’ve fallen into the habit of doing what I think YOU want to do and stopped sharing my own preferences. Does that sound so awful?
Explore if you may be damaging the relationship by not taking care of YOU…..then give it a try. I never intend to say things like this are easy….so talk to someone. Read some of my other blogs. Read my book on Power and on thought distortion….dig into all those things you know you avoid with those little white lies. You are strong enough and powerful enough to do it. Take care of YOU. Put yourself on the front burner! And let me know if you need help…