Negative over-empowerment is a concept I’ve explored for many years — personally, in terms of my own childhood messages; and professionally in my writing and speaking about healthy uses of power. As authors explore the rise of helicopter parenting and attach it to having a negative impact on the capacity of young adults to think and act on their own behalf — to problem solve, to move into the world with an independent and realistically confident sense of self, I think it helps to explore the issues in terms of power.
First, here’s the message that comes from helicopter parenting or some level of over involved parenting: “You can be anything you want to be!” That is only true for any individual when considered in the context of the person’s talents, intellect, skills, physical capabilities, interest and motivation, temperament… REALITY: there are simply things many people are just not capable of doing/achieving/accomplishing. And producing a foundational way of thinking about SELF that is not based in reality is what I label negative over empowerment.
Reflect on this definition of healthy Personal Power: The ability to create your own environment. That essentially means, you are or can be in charge of your decisions, choices, actions, behaviors. It does not mean you can be in “control”….control is about holding on. “In charge” is about staying centered, letting go of the need to control, and making good choices about what you say and do. The ability to develop this form of power is learned from childhod on. And for individuals who have their choices and decisions made FOR them there is a foundational learning that is missed.
Many people, and historically, especially women, learn to give power away. Because? Individuals give power away to stay connected. So if parents hold onto the power of choosing, deciding, getting things done, children learn to back off and allow the parents to do it FOR them in order to both stay connected to parents and to please them. They then frequently carry that behavior into young adult hood — and throughout life – giving power away to teachers, bosses, colleagues, partners. And continually failing to be in charge of their own life!
And of course, there’s the flip side: Rebellion. It’s actually the opposite end of the continuum of the same psychological process. Pushing back, acting out — against parents or other authority figures — is still not developing healthy personal power.
And negative over-empowerment feeds this in what I believe to be an extremely complex manner. Young children who are told they are capable of doing/being whatever they want, believe it when it comes from parents. And first, it’s just not true. Do we teach children to dream? Certainly! But it needs to be realistic. And when a child is told she can do anything and then bumps into normal human limitations — ones that come from intellect, genetics, general ability, interest, energy — on and on — they often see themselves as a failure. Learning realistic personal limitations is about growing up. But if kids believe they are failing at something they’ve been told they can do if “you really want to” — it’s a personal failure! The opposite is true when you try your best and discover it’s just not your forte! Perhaps you just don’t have the body type/energy/health to be a great athlete. Maybe you’re just to shy to perform. Maybe you can’t do math because you are better at writing — that was my personal failure. My brain just did not wrap around algebra in the way it did creative writing and literature. AND I thought there was something wrong with me! The message I received was something like: “You just need to try harder, study more.” That was NOT a helpful message for someone already pouring hours into homework!
But I managed to learn from my limitations and focus on what I was truly good at doing/learning. And all kids need to experience failure and learn from it — to bump into limitations and decide how to handle them..That only happens with parenting that allows or supports making individual and independent effort at independent, age appropriate efforts.
If this information leaves you confused, puzzled or just intensely disagreeing, try reading the following: Julie Lythcott-Haims How To Raise An Adult. And any articles on parenting by Leslie Garrett.
And if the power definitions need more clarification, try my book: RELEASE FROM POWERLESSNESS: TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE.
And let me know if you have any questions. I’m always glad to try to respond.