• AN AFTER THOUGHT ON VALENTINE'S DAY…….

    A regular reader asked why I didn’t write anything about Valentine’s Day….Hummmmm. And further suggested OR projected that perhaps I feel critical of the day. I do not feel critical, AND I do have some thoughts about it….

    First, there are aspects of the day that cause me to feel concerned. It’s become outlandishly commercial and that does not help anything or anyone–financially or emotionally. I had a couple of clients anguishing over the appropriate celebration for a significant other. I also had a client who was gravely disappointed in the “neglect” of a significant other. One angry at a husband who did not have the foresight to make a reservation for dinner in time to actually GET one. And more than one who was experiencing being single with even more depression than on a typical Friday…… nothing good in all of that. And even if we decide that these clients already had problems in their relationships or life style, it’s still worth examination.

    When any kind of holiday has high, high visibility throughout society, it generates expectations far beyond what is normal or rational or legitimately expected. That makes it full of pressure and doubt and disappointment. Handling that is clearly an individual issue…. but if you’re 10 years old and already fearful you’ll do the wrong thing (as the son of a client reported), it might be time to examine the entire holiday?! Too strong?

    Then let’s look at it from a different perspective. What if we just re-define it as a lovely day to remind us of the importance of being loving and caring in all our relationships — perhaps even with total strangers — maybe the hard working check out person in your grocery store — every day of the week? Possible. IF V Day is the only time some of us reach out to let loved ones know how we feel about them, we’re in a bit of a relationship pickle….

    So at least consider that if you feel really good about the connections you make, the cards and good wishes you send on Valentine’s Day, you might be able to extend that good, good feeling to many more days of the year.

    And if you’d like a simple exercise to try, here’s one. Every day, at the end of the day, think about three good things — share them with an important person in your life. And if you live alone, write them down for yourself. Doesn’t have to be significant. It just has to be good. AND if you have a primary partner, consider shifting or adding this. Identify three good things ABOUT that individual and share them at the end of the day. Three good things in either version of this exercise can range from the most simple to the most significant. Example: for self — I cleared my messy desk. For other — I SEE that you cleared your messy desk!….all the way to –for self — I completed a three month project successfully. For other — I’m excited for you that you’ve successfully completed such a major project!

    I had a couple I’m working with literally cross their eyes and sigh when I first suggested three good things as an exercise. Later they laughed when they shared how helpful it was in shifting their feelings towards one another in a positive way…..so maybe think about it.

    Perhaps the main message is don’t limit loving gestures to one BIG DAY a year….celebrate those you love regularly, and just use Valentine’s Day as a reminder, an anniversary of the goodness in your life…. or perhaps even the goodness you are searching for!

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