How was your Valentine’s Day? To answer that, it helps to ask, WHAT WAS I EXPECTING? Then you can assess how you felt about your day. Most people head into a “special day” like V’s Day with a pretty heavy load of assumptions, expectations, wishes, hopes, desires. It’s somewhat similar to other holidays — Christmas, New Year’s Eve. We want and expect to be blissfully happy…. loved, appreciated. And many people end up disappointed because the expectations are far, far too high.
I recently saw an interview with Dan Savage. If you recognize the name, you know he writes a TRULY modern version of Ann Landers… well, that’s what he says. He gives advice on love and relationships that is seen by many as totally controversial. However, he has great insights. Truly, and I enjoy reading what he writes. When asked if he gets lots of requests and questions about V’s Day, he said, yes, but not as many as on the day AFTER. He shared this example: a couple went out for a lovely dinner — good food, wine, late nite. They came home and fell asleep without having sex. Both were disappointed and wondered what was wrong. His suggestion: Have sex BEFORE you go out!
While I think that’s actually pretty sound advice, I also think each of us need realistic expectations! What makes sense based on: who you are; who your partner is; what your day at work has been like; what your day to day relationship is like; what you have communicated to one another about what you want your Valentine’s day to be like…….And MOST OF ALL, what makes any of us put such heavy expectations on ONE day?
** Special Note on what you communicated to your partner about what you WANT. That’s essential because no matter what a wonderful relationship you have, how much you love one another, your partner CANNOT READ YOUR MIND. FURTHER, no matter how much you want or expect mind reading, your partner will NEVER read your mind successfully! Expecting that from one another leads to many, many disappointments. If your experience is different I’m going to imagine that’s because you have a partner who periodically makes excellent GUESSES and builds an expectation that he/she is a mind reader. If this special note sounds a bit cynical, just know I have over 30 years of experience working with couples in therapy….and evidence that on this one particular point, I’m pretty accurate.
A Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, says, “Every day is an opportunity to love.” Remembering that is perhaps a key to a happy life, as well as a truly good relationship. And other than making for lovely daily interactions, we might hope it takes the pressure for “demonstrating love and affection” off Valentine’s Day.
So back to the “day after.” Reflect on what you expected. Ask yourself how much of what you wanted/expected you communicated to your partner. AND how much you asked about what your partner wanted/expected. That’s the key to what the day was like….for both of you. Be the person you are and want to be — rather than what the companies selling jewelry, candy, flowers, and cards say you SHOULD be…..and enjoy a lovely day of loving those people you live with, are friends with, work with …. and celebrate your connections.