I hear a lot about people who WHINE! Typically a client will describe a family member, a friend, a colleague or boss or employee who is a consistent NEGATIVE THINKER. The client is sitting in my office about to pull her or his hair out because they can’t stand one more conversation with the individual who does nothing but WHINE! AND they can’t quite figure out what to do about the relationship and what the negativity is doing TO the relationship.
The big mistakes most of us make with negative thinkers are things like this:
–we never say ANYTHING to the individual who is creating a stressful environment with the negativity –thus indirectly encouraging the person to KEEP IT UP. Oh, you find ways to interrupt the conversation, ask lots of questions, and get hooked in trying to FIX the person or the problem they are having — and that honestly makes the whining more likely to be repeated. And all the while you are trying to figure out HOW to get out of the conversation!
–we pretend we are listening while making a mental grocery/shopping list
–we experience the drain the relationship has and begin to avoid the individual
–we experience a build up of resentment and anger that can leak into other relationships
There are likely dozens more mistakes — these are just highlights. It might help if you examine how you are feeling about the handful of whining people in your life. Then ask yourself honestly about what you do when you are in conversation with that individual.
Is there a solution? A direct statement of what you feel TO the person ABOUT their negativity is hard to do — and it can work if you are thoughtful and sensitive and caring when you do it. It can also simply blow up so think carefully about what/how to do it if that’s your choice.
But here’s a solution I tried in a social gathering of just a few people. Using an egg timer, I challenged everyone in this group of 5 people to 5 minutes of NON STOP WHINING. The task was to whine non stop for a full 5 minutes — when the timer went off. Each person could talk or lament about all the TERRIBLE things in her/his life and do so UNINTERRUPTED. And that’s the most important point. The others do not ask questions, make comments, suggest solutions or even nod in agreement or disagreement. The assignment is to be attentive, focused and SILENT.
The result. Not one person was able to use the entire 5 minutes. Everyone just kind of coasted to a stop. So what’s the take away? We ALL need to be heard, to have the full attention of SOMEONE. To have a sense that another human being is looking at us, listening to us and not interrupting with either objections or suggestions or helpful solutions! JUST LISTENING. Sometimes, and remember not always, just getting whatever is going on off our chest is a great VENT, a great RELIEF. Oh, it’s not some brilliant psychological intervention. In fact it is likely not to work with a truly engrained, practiced negative thinker…..but it might be worth a try. So the way to try it? Just say, what if I just listen to what’s going on with you that you feel so negative about? I won’t ask a single question or comment until you’ve finished sharing…………..And who knows? Maybe if YOU feel no pressure to respond you will actually listen in a way you have not before. Who knows, you might even learn something!