Couples, family members, good friends, and co-workers frequently tell me there are many things they just don’t talk about or FEEL they can’t talk about in their relationships. Consequently, the reality for most people is far, far too much is ignored, glossed over, avoided, or pushed out of awareness rather than NECESSARILY discussed. I find that’s just as much about NOT KNOWING HOW as it is about the actual topic/thing that needs to be put on the table……
The most challenging topics for couples is frequently reported in surveys/research findings. Those are: Money and Sex. The majority of people say it’s harder to talk about money than about sex. I’ll throw out some other difficult topics but the key always is TALK.
I think there is a common under current in most things that go unspoken whether it’s money, sex, a behavior that is annoying us, a deeply held resentment — and perhaps others you can name. Regardless of the topic, if you put it on the table it’s typically about YOU speaking and asking for something FOR YOU! It’s putting yourself out there. It feels exposed. And right behind the feeling of exposure or perhaps embarrassment — the FEAR of REJECTION. So if you don’t say what you think or feel or want or DID or want to do, the other person can’t tell you no. You aren’t exposed or embarrassed and you haven’t been rejected. That momentary feeling of safety feels great. It just doesn’t last very long at all, because you are still stuck with something important to you — feelings, preferences, deep desires — and the other person doesn’t have a clue.
Generally, both women and men bring the concern of rejection into their inter personal relationships. At work, men — again speaking in general — appear to be more successful in getting their wishes/desires/expectations/feelings out in the open.
So let’s look at some other things that create problems in any relationships — but especially between people who live together…
–I can’t stand your mother/father/sibling/best friend
–I don’t want to go to the symphony/play golf/travel to _____ again
–You never do the things I really like to do, see the movies/plays, etc, etc I prefer
–If I don’t get help with _____ I’m going to lose my mind
–I have to have more time to myself
–I hate ________
I’m not saying people in relationships don’t FIGHT about this short list of experiences/feelings. I’m saying they don’t actually TALK about the specifics of what they want. And often they have not expressed the depth of feelings. That just means getting to the heart of the issue is the challenge. And sometimes if we can keep fighting about “whatever the topic is” we avoid knowing what the REAL ISSUE is…OR the necessity to make a decision to actually do something about it!
Here’s something to try. Take a journal/pad of paper and make a list: what are things you have never said to your partner/family member/friend/colleague that are kind of “eating away at you.” The list can be as long as you need it to be. And sometimes when you start to write, you are surprised by the amount of things you are NOT saying out loud.
Next ask yourself what you’re afraid of. Reflect on your answers, challenge your fears. And then, ask: What’s the worst thing that could happen if I say/talk about ____________. This last question is important simply because most people can come up with enough negative thoughts to discourage themselves. This can go something like this: “He/She looks so tired tonite that if I talk about this now we’ll just end up in a bad fight. I need to be more understanding. He/She always says I’m selfish and I probably am. So let it go…” And this is a truly benign example!
If you haven’t explored negative thinking and how to handle it, try my book: WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? MAYBE NOT THAT MUCH! It teaches you how to dig out the negative thoughts in your head and re-frame them into thoughts about problem solving and taking action.
Mainly most people need skills for really healthy discussions about differences. The most helpful basics are things like this.
-Make a direct statement to the other person of a preference or a feeling: “i would love to do ______ and want to hear what you’d like.” “I feel _______ and am open to discussing it.”
-Open yourself to negotiation on differences or conflicts in preferences.
-Make sure you are really listening. The test is if you can paraphrase accurately what the other person has said.
And if you want to explore any of these ideas further, just let me know. And try to remember that talking about it (sensitively) is more of a guarantee of working through difficulties than keeping your mouth shut! AND that you don’t have to like conflict. You just have to get good at working it through. Resolved conflict is HEALTHY. It’s only the unresolved conflict that make us so unhappy!