This is a statement I often hear from clients, or from workshop participants, employees in companies I consult with, and once in a while from friends who have been having a particularly rough time. Point? Since it’s a somewhat common statement, it couldn’t JUST BE YOU.
Regardless, if this statement even passes your lips once in a while, it’s important to examine it…and in depth! That’s because: if you say this statement out loud, it means it was proceeded by a THOUGHT in your head….and you want to do everything you can to “root it out” and keep it from coming back, OR from taking hold.
If you THINK it, you will FEEL it. Let’s explore how important that concept is. Many people believe and say “it’s just the way I feel.” That statement leaves out this basic and important fact. We don’t have a feeling unless it has been proceeded by/stimulated by a thought or a belief. You don’t have to be AWARE of the thought in your head…but I can pretty much guarantee that you have to have a thought to produce a feeling.
If you are a regular reader, you know I make a wide range of self care suggestions — things to manage both anxiety and depression….or just a truly bad day. And a strong, foundational thing to do is practice paying close attention to your thoughts. We have dozens and dozens every hour. And I could be under estimating!
So the basic concept: each feeling, no matter how automatic it is/feels, is proceeded by a thought. You can’t feel it if you didn’t think it! Consequently digging into negative thought patterns is a key to managing mood, decision making, and behavior — AND the sometimes less than smart things that come out your mouth!
All of us have negative thoughts and thought distortions. You just need to know what yours are. Whatever you are thinking will determine what you eventually DO, so “mindfulness” becomes essential. Negative thinking drags many of us places we don’t want to go … or regret having gone! So pay attention.
Here’s the most simple way to begin. When you first get up in the morning, see if you can tune into your thoughts. They can range from “it’s a beautiful day and I am so looking forward to it” to “I can’t believe how terrible I feel.” Imagine, for a moment, the difference in how any of us feel with those quite different thoughts. If you think it’s a difficult habit to even try to pay attention to first morning thoughts, keep a pad of paper and a pen close by to remind yourself.
If the thought is NEGATIVE, challenge it. A negative thought about the day can quickly turn into a negative FEELING about the day. And that will likely lead to having a day that does not go well. So it’s important to CHANGE THE THOUGHT. “I need to start my day with something that feels good to me.” “I have a challenging day ahead, and I believe I can handle it.” “My energy is low, and I can pump it up a little if I make an effort.” These are simple shifts in thinking, AND they work. Let me add that in the beginning of practicing this technique, you don’t have to BELIEVE the positive/more realistic thoughts. You just have to MAKE THE CHANGE. Write it down, say it out loud. Gradually, you WILL believe what you say.
This is just a basic start. If you want to explore it further, try my book: WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? MAYBE NOT THAT MUCH! It teaches you how to reframe negative thinking into manageable thoughts that lead to problem solving and healthy behavior …. AND more positive feelings. You do deserve to feel good….give it a try….and as always let me know if you have questions.