I’m just home from attending a memorial service in Virginia. One of the most important people in my life died. He was my first real boss, mentor, role model, and dear, dear friend for over 40 years — consequently an enormous loss.
This man modeled the basic concept of “showing up” for people. So that’s the behavior that I’ve been evaluating in myself, and now suggesting you might do the same. Actually it’s a two fold question: First, do I (you) show up for people when I (you) need to? Second, do people show up for me (you)? And, further, what does showing up actually mean?
With my friend, he came for weddings, divorces, new jobs, successes or failures in every area of my personal and professional life. And at the memorial, listening to all the people who attended and spoke about him, he successfully did that for dozens and dozens of people — so many that I simply cried at the added awareness of his huge heart. I already knew how amazing he was, but the testimonials made me even more aware of what he brought to so many people….how many lives he touched. He was a psychologist/consultant/writer/thinker/teacher/hand holder. Thus naturally he worked with far too many people to count in therapy. I’m talking about, in ADDITION to those clients, individuals, colleagues, students, interns, friends in Charlottesville and around the world. Maybe he had clones! At least that thought went through my head as I wondered how he managed to touch the lives of so many people.
So honoring him. Speaking of my gratitude to him was a no brainer for me. There was no way I could not show up for the memorial. And I’ve been reflecting and thinking about whether or not I managed to show up for him in even a fraction of the way he did for me. And that takes me back to the questions…..do I show up enough? And do I have people in my life who do the same for me?
The starting point truly has to be to see if each of us can be the one who steps forward to show up for others. True, it has to be in balance, but when we wait for others to take that first step, we put on hold what we need to do. I’m not suggesting you tip the scales and extend yourself so far that you build resentment. It needs to be done out of love and respect. When you do it with that motivation, it works for both the other person and you.
Frequently I have clients who share how abandoned they feel when struggling. That means there are lots of people who are not showing up for one another. So we need to be aware….look around….see what good things do happen when we show up.
And that takes me back to the memorial. I was not just showing up for my friend, or to just honor him. I was showing up for his family — people I’ve known for decades. And I was able to witness the significance for THEM to see all the people who did show up — for the whole family. That aspect of the experience reminded me of how important it is to be present for memorial services. The love and support helps everyone present to face death. That is not a small contribution for each of us to make. So think about showing up — in as many small and large ways as possible. Who are the important people in your life? And what do you do to show them how important they are? It will come back to you in many positive ways!