Perhaps some of you have seen a NYTimes article about women’s over use of the phrase “I’m sorry”…..if not, I recommend you look at it.
My take on “I’m sorry” is about how thoroughly women have been socialized/taught/even required to “explain themselves.” AND it’s about coming up with a short hand expression that is intended to guarantee, in the most non assertive way possible, that a “connection” is being maintained. That connection can be with a loved one, a colleague, a dear friend, or a waiter, or someone trying to sell you aluminum siding! Point: Women need to feel connected and become significantly uncomfortable and ill at ease when that connection feels threatened or just possibly a little more distant than the woman in question is comfortable with……..
So is connection a negative? No indeed. Connection is one of the most valuable aspects of how we all live lives. The problem is similar to many other “good things” — they can be over done. And when the efforts at connection are “over done” both people suffer. An individual who values connection above all else behaves in ways that eventually have a negative impact on the “connector.” That’s pretty basic and it’s because it’s just too much self sacrifice, too much self negation, too much putting others before self. In addiction language it’s called Co-dependence. Reality: it produces stress, self neglect and eventually resentment toward the individual on the receiving end of the effort at connection.
Many years ago when most of my work was with families, partners, co-workers and friends where addiction was the issue, I tried to come up with an analogy for self analysis — to measure the difference between simply being a good person and going too far — into the territory of co-dependence and resentment. Here it is. If you do something kind and caring and helpful and generous for another person (even when there is sacrifice involved) and you feel positive about yourself AND the person to whom you extended yourself, you are typically in “safe/healthy” territory. Because please remember I’m not suggesting you stop doing good things! But if you do the same behavior and realize that you feel cranky and unhappy and even feel a bit like “hitting the receiver of your good will with a baseball bat,” you are in trouble — that’s extreme resentment. (notably with a touch of humor!)…… It makes you want to avoid the person. It makes you feel bad in general…and in the long run it damages the relationship.
So back to SORRY…..It’s a cover for feelings that are too uncomfortable to express openly. Again, if I tell you I’m frustrated or angry because of something you did, or are not doing, you might get angry right back. The point is, conflict or even small/simple differences create distance/a gap in connection. The socialization process for girls and women makes “connecting in relationships” our primary “role assignment” in life. AND it’s a great skill. It’s a strong point. It’s something women are truly good at. The issue is it becomes a way of life. And it’s about consistently needing to be NICE. GIVE IT UP! Quit being nice. Trade nice for kind and loving, generous, plain old GOOD… in fact be sweet if you want. Just do not be NICE. Because? Nice is “self-negating.” For the majority of women, being nice means the individual woman takes a back seat in the interaction vs staying on a level playing field with the other person. It’s about giving up being equal. It’s about BEING SORRY!
You have to be part of the equation. And that means differences come up; conflict emerges; gaps in connection are created. Try learning to live in that gap! You’ll like your friends and family members and colleagues more and more when you have a place in the relationship … and connection will feel genuine and lasting. And you won’t feel SORRY!
If you want to read more about this concept, see my book RELEASE FROM POWERLESSNESS: TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE
And always let me know if you have questions.
REALLY?
Perhaps some of you have seen a NYTimes article about women’s over use of the phrase “I’m sorry”…..if not, I recommend you look at it.
My take on “I’m sorry” is about how thoroughly women have been socialized/taught/even required to “explain themselves.” AND it’s about coming up with a short hand expression that is intended to guarantee, in the most non assertive way possible, that a “connection” is being maintained. That connection can be with a loved one, a colleague, a dear friend, or a waiter, or someone trying to sell you aluminum siding! Point: Women need to feel connected and become significantly uncomfortable and ill at ease when that connection feels threatened or just possibly a little more distant than the woman in question is comfortable with……..
So is connection a negative? No indeed. Connection is one of the most valuable aspects of how we all live lives. The problem is similar to many other “good things” — they can be over done. And when the efforts at connection are “over done” both people suffer. An individual who values connection above all else behaves in ways that eventually have a negative impact on the “connector.” That’s pretty basic and it’s because it’s just too much self sacrifice, too much self negation, too much putting others before self. In addiction language it’s called Co-dependence. Reality: it produces stress, self neglect and eventually resentment toward the individual on the receiving end of the effort at connection.
Many years ago when most of my work was with families, partners, co-workers and friends where addiction was the issue, I tried to come up with an analogy for self analysis — to measure the difference between simply being a good person and going too far — into the territory of co-dependence and resentment. Here it is. If you do something kind and caring and helpful and generous for another person (even when there is sacrifice involved) and you feel positive about yourself AND the person to whom you extended yourself, you are typically in “safe/healthy” territory. Because please remember I’m not suggesting you stop doing good things! But if you do the same behavior and realize that you feel cranky and unhappy and even feel a bit like “hitting the receiver of your good will with a baseball bat,” you are in trouble — that’s extreme resentment. (notably with a touch of humor!)…… It makes you want to avoid the person. It makes you feel bad in general…and in the long run it damages the relationship.
So back to SORRY…..It’s a cover for feelings that are too uncomfortable to express openly. Again, if I tell you I’m frustrated or angry because of something you did, or are not doing, you might get angry right back. The point is, conflict or even small/simple differences create distance/a gap in connection. The socialization process for girls and women makes “connecting in relationships” our primary “role assignment” in life. AND it’s a great skill. It’s a strong point. It’s something women are truly good at. The issue is it becomes a way of life. And it’s about consistently needing to be NICE. GIVE IT UP! Quit being nice. Trade nice for kind and loving, generous, plain old GOOD… in fact be sweet if you want. Just do not be NICE. Because? Nice is “self-negating.” For the majority of women, being nice means the individual woman takes a back seat in the interaction vs staying on a level playing field with the other person. It’s about giving up being equal. It’s about BEING SORRY!
You have to be part of the equation. And that means differences come up; conflict emerges; gaps in connection are created. Try learning to live in that gap! You’ll like your friends and family members and colleagues more and more when you have a place in the relationship … and connection will feel genuine and lasting. And you won’t feel SORRY!
If you want to read more about this concept, see my book RELEASE FROM POWERLESSNESS: TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE
And always let me know if you have questions.