One of the most common concerns clients talk to me about is how much they dislike change. How much change stresses them. And, yes, some say how much they CAN’T STAND IT! That last expression is what gets most of us in trouble. Telling ourselves we “can’t stand something” — whether it’s change or something (or someone) else is the equivalent of building a tall and sturdy roadblock in the brain! Once you convince yourself you can’t stand something, that becomes your reality! It’s a powerful and negative sentence and it stops authentic feelings, clear thinking, and problem solving.
And the reality about change? It is happening every day of your life…every hour. So you ARE handling or adjusting or managing change all of the time. That means the real question becomes “how well” do you handle change?
Another question: Is it really the CHANGE you need to worry about handling? Consider the more basic issue you need to address: THE TRANSITION. The change frequently just happens. Someone ELSE makes the decision that impacts you — sometimes temporarily alters your reality. For example. Your spouse/partner moves out; your boss fires you or institutes major changes in the organization that impact you; friends or family members make disappointing choices and decisions that impact you; a child graduates and moves away; you or someone you love and care about becomes seriously ill; loved ones die.
What’s the basic issue? That change HAPPENS. The real issue then becomes the TRANSITION from the old way of thinking, feeling, expecting, behaving –to the new reality. Much, sometimes more than we believe we can “survive,” has shifted. Our challenge is then handling the transition. If we get caught in how the change SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED…. and that’s often our first response to difficult changes ….it delays our ability to move into and through and out …. That means we have to feel it, acknowledge it, face into it, and make powerful, healthy choices about going forward. Doing those things? Not easy. And I would not suggest for a second they are. AND each of us has the capacity to do it.
In our culture there are far too many messages and beliefs that don’t allow “facing in” and feeling. You likely hear: “get a grip”…. “give it a rest”….”suck it up”….”get over it”…. “put it behind you”….”move on”…..and you can probably add to this list. Reality? Taking any of these messages seriously — trying to do what the message suggests — makes handling the change/transition more difficult because all the messages really mean don’t FEEL. The more we avoid what we feel, the more we delay a sound, healthy shift into the transition facing us.
And often we need support to handle challenging transitions and the distressing feelings that come WITH the transition. Give yourself permission to talk to family and friends about the impact the change/transition is having on you. Write about it. Ask for help if you need it. Make a plan for going forward. Certainly allow anger, sadness, pain, fear…. those are normal feelings. What you watch for is when those feelings hang around so long that you feel persistent anxiety and/or depression that makes it hard for you to get up and move into your day.
If you are feeling highly stressed, it’s generally because there have been many, and sometimes too many, changes in your life. Stress = Change. So the goal is not to make stress or change go away….. it’s to analyze it, feel it, “metabolize” it, and initiate the best self care you can that helps you move forward into the NEW.
And as always, let me know if you have questions. My two more recent books may help: YOUR PERSONAL STRESS ANALYSIS and WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? MAYBE NOT THAT MUCH!