In a recent article for SMART BRIEF ON LEADERSHIP Hoffman has an article where he suggests that bosses/organizations STOP telling their employees they are like family. Hoffman has a new book, THE ALLIANCE, and the information in Smart Brief seems to be based on his book…. that’s an assumption since I have not yet read The Alliance.
Regardless, I want to give bosses/organizations an “additional” reason — beyond all the good ones Hoffman suggests, to STOP.
Being told you are going to be treated like family members is highly likely to be quite bad news for a large number of people. Because? Most of us are still carrying around unresolved issues from our family of origin. And for most individuals, these are issues not likely to be in the foreground of consciousness. What does that mean? Things we are really not aware of in terms of the impact of patterns from childhood/family dynamics become “easy triggers” for emotional confusion, misunderstandings, and bad choices in what to say or do.
Here’s a simple example of both what can happen and how to understand it: I frequently have clients who describe over reacting in anger or frustration to a colleague or boss — with less than great results! Here’s typically how the client and I approach it. After hearing the details of the conversation that went bad, I ask these questions… one usually works: 1) Who does your colleague/boss remind you of? (2) When have you felt this way before? (3)How OLD did you feel during the conversation? One of those three questions, when you trust the very first thing that flashes in your mind, usually produces a quick and accurate answer! We DO behave the way we behaved growing up and far, far too often. So the answer to the questions — produce information and feelings from the famiies we grew up in. Answers are a little like these: (1) My mother! My aggressive father! (2) Arguing with ____ in my family — AND just a few weeks ago when I tried to talk to my boss! (3) About 6 or maybe 12!
Once any of us can identify old patterns of behavior we can learn to “un-hook” from repeating the behavior in adult relationships. But first, it’s important to understand the power of family of origin programming. When I’m doing leadership training or speaking about leadership, I tell the audience something like the following…and hopefully with enough good humor to keep from producing trauma! “Unless you have been in therapy, read a lot of good books, or perhaps been struck by lightening, you are still behaving — at work and at home — the way you behaved in the family you grew up in. And so are many of your colleagues!”
Consequently, being told by your organization that you will be treated like family is not good “psychological news” unless you come from one of the really healthy families that do, indeed, exist. And even then, if you are one of those fortunate individuals, the message still triggers expectations — good ones — that will NOT be delivered. Because? Because the majority of people in the majority of organizations do NOT come from a family where they learned things like: healthy resolution of conflict; clear relationship boundaries; the highly effective principles of good feedback and self disclosure; the use of positive regard on a 5 to 1 ratio to negative when relating or giving or receiving feedback; and emotional intelligence — self awareness, self management, system awareness, and relationship management. Well, those are at least a few!
So hats off to Hoffman and his advice. I just wanted to add another reason it’s so worthy of attention!