The Wall Street Journal featured a story on the benefits of adults fighting in front of children — as long as not hostile, yelling, insulting, disdainful or demonstrating contempt. So what do you think? And is this really news to you?
FIRST, the reason people fight is BECAUSE they know little to nothing about healthy, constructive conflict resolution. It’s a set of skills — easier to learn than to actually USE. And every person you and I know throughout our lives needs to learn how to manage healthy disagreements. You will be far more successful in all your relationships once you understand the tools of conflict resolution.
What gets in the way? Most people are frightened of conflict. Some would even say terrified. Consequently differences build in relationships — disagreements, disappointments, hurt/injured feelings — and most go unmentioned. Eventually, the conflict builds internally — then a fight follows because individuals fail to manage feelings once they have filled up what I refer to as the “trash compactor.” There’s too much being “held in” and it empties out before you even realize what’s happening.
We even feel uncomfortable with “differences” in opinions, wants, wishes, preferences. You want to eat Mexican food, your partner wants Chinese. Can a fight really come from that? Absolutely. If one person does not express a preference and simply says “I don’t care”….. that person will eventually feel cranky — if not in the moment, perhaps down the road when the person has held onto so many unexpressed preferences they create what feels like an over reaction to the person on the receiving end.
Over the years I have had dozens and dozens of clients express how puzzled they are that THEY or their PARTNER could get so upset about “simple” issues…. or how difficult it is for the two of them to actually talk about it and resolve it. Strange as it may seem, people often aren’t really upset about the actual topic ON THE TABLE FOR DISCUSSION….it merely “triggered” a release of the build up in the trash compactor…..eventually the trash compactor is just “too full” and your body just pushes for release — both physically and emotionally.
What to do? Learn to fight/discuss/disagree fairly. Here’s my most simple three step suggestion:
1-state the issue as objectively and clearly as possible….that means no “loaded” words
2-indicate how you feel about the situation/issue
3-ask for what you want/need to resolve the conflict
NEXT the other person does the same….then you see how far apart OR perhaps close you are to a solution.
This is a good example of a simple enough technique but one that is HARD to practice. Some people need coaching. Some just need practice. Some actually need therapy if the differences have been long standing.
For some truly good books on conflict management see CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS: TOOLS FOR TALKING WHEN THE STAKES ARE HIGH…. Patterson, et.al. and..
GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT….Harville Hendrix
And my book RELEASE FROM POWERLESSNESS: TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE….. has the kind of information you might need for understanding the “trash compactor” and the stress that builds up in relationships where one or both individuals “give away their power” in their interactions with one another.
Hang in there… conflict for YOU, and conflict in front of children is truly healthy when it is conflict that is RESOLVED. Watching that teaches kids that people can have arguments and not be frightened by them…..and that gives them tools for their own healthy relationships.