• FACING ILLNESS, DEATH, LOSS, GRIEF

    Today I am aware of several people — clients and friends — who are facing the deaths of dearly loved friends and family members.  Illness, loss, death, grief are the realities that we each face on a regular basis — either in our individual lives and experiences or watching the tragedies of disease and war and murder and terror unfold around the world.  Some of you might say you experience it far too often.  That has definitely been my personal experience.

    What to do? The answer is hard.  Face into it.  Feel it.  Breathe and allow and let go of the pain, the sadness, the fear. Many are taught to do the opposite:  suck it up, hold on, be strong, get on with it.  That way of coping is far more “acceptable” in our culture.  But I believe it’s harmful.  When we don’t FEEL, the “unexpressed” becomes a stock pile in our hearts, minds, and, yes, in our bodies.  The accumulation WILL express itself in some fashion — eventually.  It can cause angry outbursts, inappropriate behavior, depression, anxiety, and physical illness.

    Reality:  it’s scary to let go, to feel.  And more  individuals than I can count have expressed the fear that “if I start to cry I might never stop.”  It does often feel exactly that way.  And if feelings do frighten you that much, it’s a good idea to talk to someone.

    The depth of that fear is expressed by Ely Fuller in “The Courage to Heal”  — I found this quote in a twitter post from Maria Shriver……

    “If you enter into healing, be prepared to lose everything.  Healing is a ravaging force to which nothing seems sacred or inviolate.  As my original pain releases itself in healing, it rips to shreds the structures and foundations I built in weakness and ignorance.”

    I have to take deep breaths when reading that quote! It’s powerful and real.  Still, facing our fears –our grief — makes us stronger. It also makes us think of our own mortality…..as Oliver Sacks, who is facing illness and inevitable death recently said:  “I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude — I have loved and been loved; I have been given much, and I have given something in return; I have read and traveled and thought and written….”

    I think it helps each of us to do this kind of deep reflection.  And when facing pain, it is indeed helpful to BE grateful.  If you can reflect on gratitude, the feelings generated can help form a foundation of strength to face into whatever pain you are feeling.  Just remember to ask for help or simply a willing ear from anyone  you feel comfortable with.  And always ask for professional help when you need it.

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