What’s your first reaction to that? Whether it’s “I totally agree” or “you have to be kidding me” your answer is typically based on your experience with CONFESSIONS.
There are basically two kinds of confessions: One is simply sharing/telling another person something about YOU that you strongly feel you have to get off your chest…. maybe even a secret that is grinding away at self esteem. Another is a feeling or piece of long held information about another person. And there are many forms of confessions and information sharing that come to me in therapy settings as well as simple conversations with friends.
A common question in therapy: Should I tell my husband/wife about my affair? The person having or having HAD an affair typically believes they will feel better if they confess. That does not take into account the impact on the spouse or significant other. And that’s an important aspect about THIS particular form of confession. I never take a concrete stand on that issue because I’ve seen the confession heal and I’ve seen it end the relationship. So first, the confession should be confined to the therapist’s office (assuming you are smart enough to have a therapist!) Go from there, in dialogue with the therapist, to decide how and what’s best. Just never assume that this information, once out on the table in a relationship is a good thing. I’d love to think honesty is the way to go, but the belief that honesty will heal truly depends on the situation and the individuals involved. Regardless, think very carefully before confessing anything so potentially damaging.
A common question in work settings: Should I give my employee or colleague honest, negative feedback about the way I feel about them? Please note it’s the “feel” word that makes a difference. Straight forward feedback about performance deficits is essential. No one will likely improve without knowing what they need to change without necessary information about how they are doing. It’s essential if you are the boss; and if it’s a colleague with whom you work regularly, your relationship as well as the quality of the work of both of you will be much better. But back to FEEL. If you’re dealing with strong feelings about the other person — employee or colleague — examine your feelings carefully. Typically it’s good to express anger or disappoint or even pain, but you need to be sure you know what you are doing. Most of us need a little coaching about how to proceed because negative feelings produce conflict so you need to have your conflict resolution skills polished. If you’re thinking, “but these negative feelings are eating up my insides” ask for some guidance about how to proceed. Unexpressed feelings that stay buried do damage to any relationship.
If any of you have read my book WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? MAYBE NOT THAT MUCH! you know I wrote about stealing comic books when I was only six years old — due to great instruction from my 12 year old baby sitter AND fueled by a need for more comic books! I got in terrible trouble, and carried the secret of my “bad behavior” for years. THAT kind of secret builds SHAME…and shame multiplies the barriers you might feel in communication with others who are important to you. And there are other things you may do that you simply feel embarrassed about because of the behavior, the belief, the implied value. It becomes something no one knows about you! Consequently it’s good to get it out somewhere/somehow. A good friend is one resource. And if it’s something you are truly worried about, a minister, a spiritual advisor. And naturally from my point of view, a therapist!
Because this is a topic that comes up regularly in therapy, here are some suggestions for getting started.
First, write down the thoughts, the feelings, the behaviors you are thinking about confessing. Write in detail. If you want, even consider writing down the specific thing you think you would say to the other person.
Next if it’s about another person, see if the thing/behavior/characteristic in the other person in any way is a mirror, even a tiny reflection of something about YOU. This is a little harder because when you are upset with someone else, you are likely, at first, convinced it’s ALL about the other person. Just reflect and examine.
If it’s about you, keep writing. What’s the very worst thing that could happen if you do not confess? Once you have that answer, check what you think for REALITY. Are you exaggerating? If you are, you may just want to keep writing and reflecting until you get an accurate sense of the outcome of NOT sharing. If it still feels important to confess, do it with thoughtfulness and prepare yourself to take the “lumps” you might be feeling you deserve.
Mainly, WRITE. Or TALK to someone you trust. Holding confessions inside hurts, and the feelings can build until they are out of proportion. I usually fall on the side of saying what you need to say TO the person you need to say it to…..and I’ve been wrong several times! Trust yourself. And as always, ask me a question if you have one!