• AFFIRMATION VS NEGATIVE OVER-EMPOWERING

    “What’s the difference between telling my kid she/he can do anything and being an affirming parent?”

    Great question!  Big DIFFERENCE.

    AFFIRMATION is a statement of praise for a job well done.  It’s a direct statement that ties your high regard to a specific task or accomplishment.  An affirmation is also a simple statement that the individual is special to you/loved for just “being who she/he is” separate from a specific task or accomplishment.

    Negative over-empowering”blanket” statements of “you can do/be anything you want” easily causes confusion for kids.  And when we’re young and we hear we CAN do anything or everything we are pretty much stumped about what to do when we discover that just isn’t true.  The reality of limitations that are simply human can get confused in a young mind….they think they are failing vs experiencing a challenge or skill deficit… It might even be something they tried and weren’t especially good at or just didn’t like — still they have in their heads they CAN DO IT if they really want to because a parent says so.  Trying hard to do something you love and are good at is quite different! And kids who try hard and succeed deserve to be affirmed.  No trophies are necessary.  Just loving rewards for meaningful effort.

    The CHALLENGE in affirming is to reward and affirm for the thing that is really, truly well done.  Not just for showing up.

    Truly important: don’t let go of the need, the strong need, to begin early and continue the efforts of building self esteem.

    Our personal self esteem is based on two things:

    –Taking in the affirming statements that come our direction. That means no “discounting the affirmation/compliment” that comes your direction. If you discount it with, “Oh, it was nothing,” the compliment/affirming statement kind of bounces off you. It does not get IN…we have to embrace what comes to us.

    –Learning to affirm OURSELVES. That means reminding YOURSELF you did a good job!  Saying it out loud to yourself will seem fairly silly at first, but practice it when you know you deserve it, and it will feel quite good!

    –BOTH are needed — receiving the affirmation from others and self affirmation — to build strong self esteem.

    Because I’m getting lots of questions about self esteem, confidence, and affirmations, I’ll write a bit more in detail in my next blog.

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