It is a big stretch for me to talk about a book I haven’t read as well as a movie I have no intention of seeing — however, I HAVE to say something! The commentary on the movie is everywhere, and I have had clients who have read the book and are talking about going to the movie — and asking for my opinion.
Here’s my “uneducated opinion” so far. The content is abusive. It appears, from what I I’ve so far heard on reviews, to glorify submissive behavior, abuse, and pornography. Consequently, if that’s an accurate reflection of the content, I have NO trouble offering an opinion. And, naturally, if any of you want to argue with me, I’m totally open to hearing what you think.
So let’s define submissive behavior. An individual submits to the wishes and desires and preferences and opinions of another person….by putting her/his own wishes and desires and preferences and opinions aside to please the other person. That can happen because the individual is fearful of what will happen UNLESS she/he does what the other wants. And it can happen because of an intense need to please the other person — even knowing it’s not something she/he wants to do. In abusive relationships with men, the fear for women is being beaten or killed, fear of a child being hurt, and fear of abandonment. Many women, all over the country, leave abusive relationships in order to survive — often having no place to go. And we know that shelters across the country are always experiencing more need for housing and care than they sometimes have space for.
In Kansas City, I worked with a group of people to create MOCSA — THE METROPOLITAN ORGANIZATION FOR COUNTERING SEXUAL ASSAULT — in the 1970’s. Consequently I have heard hundreds and hundreds of stories about abuse — and SUBMISSIVE behavior. I thus believe the comments coming from spokes women from shelters and organizations working to heighten awareness about abuse against women when they protest the movie’s message…….
Let’s take the physical or sexual abuse out of the definition for a moment. I found a quote from Pat Nixon that reflects a different, but equally harmful, form of submissive behavior: “I have sacrificed everything in my life that I consider precious in order to advance the political career of my husband.” That statement gives me chills. The negative and harmful psychology in decisions like that impact every member of the family that functions with that level of self sacrifice — or submission. It speaks of “disappearing” from one’s own life. It creates a model for behavior that can be passed on for generations. And it speaks of the powerlessness of women in our culture — in all our organizations/systems.
I began thinking, speaking and writing about women and power in the 70’s. My first book was RELEASE FROM POWERLESSNESS: TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE….. It is important for women to learn to be in charge of their lives — their decisions, choices, and life direction. To have a voice that speaks equality in any relationships — personal or professional. Without that kind of balance, everyone loses.
When a movie about submissive behavior for a woman becomes so popular — in books or movies — my concern is that system change is even more challenging than I think. AND I think it is not just slow and challenging. We sometimes lose more ground than we gain.
But perhaps there will be a new level of conversation about submissiveness? A new awareness? My hope is that if you do go to the movie or read the book, you will do so with a level of mindfulness about the message it perpetuates — and especially for adolescent and teenage girls. Without awareness we fail to educate, to create change that sticks, to provide a safe world for girls and women. Reflect, talk, see what you think. And Imagine what you might do to help make a difference.