There’s a short answer to this: It’s not the anger that’s good or bad, it’s the words and behaviors we use to deal with the feeling that have to be examined and evaluated.
And there’s a far longer answer. Naturally! Anger is a normal and natural feeling that everyone has periodically — the amount of times we get angry and the level of intensity of the anger differ dramatically. Generally, just think of anger as something you feel when you are in conflict — something needs to be clarified or straightened out. It’s a signal from your system that something isn’t quite right or okay — that something is off or out of balance.
If you feel angry a great deal of the time, and if you think the intensity of your angry feelings is high, it’s important to examine what’s going on. You might right now do your own self assessment. First, how often do you feel angry? Frequently — daily? Sometimes — once or twice a week? Seldom — once a month? Never — you can’t remember the last time you were angry. Next think about the intensity on a scale of zero to 10. The 10 means extremely intense and zero means it’s truly a minor amount of intensity.
If you get angry frequently and it’s high intensity, one of the most important things to pay attention to is it’s not good for you either physically or emotionally. It’s a “wear and tear” on your over all system.
Next think about how you express anger. Look for mean, harsh, critical and judgmental language vs direct and straight forward statements of what you feel, want and need to resolve the conflict. Many tend to assume that “real” anger is expressed loudly and critically. And actually, that is not anger. That’s typically RAGE. Is there a difference between anger and rage? Yes, a big difference.
Anger is a two way communication — a dialogue. I tell you I’m angry or dissatisfied with your decision or behavior. You respond. We can both be angry and as long as we are in dialogue — both of us are in the conversation — with the intent to clarify the situation and resolve the conflict. That’s HEALTHY ANGER. And the goal is win-win. We both want an outcome that resolves the conflict in a way that we can both live with. It can be extremely unpleasant and uncomfortable. Some are afraid of such conversations. Regardless, it’s healthy to have differences out on the table for resolution. And typically the difficulty in the conversation is worth it when the truly good feelings of resolution emerge!
RAGE is a one way communication. The “raging” person has no intent to hear from the other person. The point is to dominate and to win, to get what you want, regardless of the impact on the other person. It’s damaging to all personal and work relationships. In therapy with couples over the years, I have found that rage can destroy a relationship. If you or someone you know and care about experiences rage frequently, it’s worthy of concern; and the good news is individuals caught in the intensity of rage can learn to examine it, manage it, and change.
Understanding the “root system” of either too much anger or rage is important. When we over react to another person or a situation, it is often because it “reminds” us of something “similar” that likely was unpleasant, painful, and unresolved. Current anger can stir around in what I call the “trash compactor” — it touches on old feelings and they start to bubble up to the surface and “attach” to what is going on at this moment. In other words, the current conflict becomes far larger than it actually is because of historical feelings. My book: RELEASE FROM POWERLESSNESS: TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE has a long and detailed description of this process. And so does YOUR PERSONAL STRESS ANALYSIS and WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? MAYBE NOT THAT MUCH!
If informal assessment isn’t helpful, there are inventories for more specific examination, as well as therapists who offer classes/individual sessions in anger management. And sticking with informal assessment, it’s also a reasonable idea to get some feedback from people who know you well. If it doesn’t feel too risky, ask about how others experience you when you are angry.
Finally, please note that resolving conflict is NOT ABOUT BEING NICE! It does mean being kind and caring and willing to work toward resolution. It also means saying what you think, feel, want and need. It means standing up for yourself and setting boundaries. And it means that you’ll be a far happier person. Truly!
Just remember anger is NORMAL. The way we each deal with it is what either gets us into trouble OR enriches the relationships in all areas of our lives. You really can learn to be a person who naturally gets angry once in a while and who resolves conflict in ways that you truly feel good about! Go for it!